how is it you feel then? i remember you in the top of my room

Obviously definitely not worth even five minutes of someone's time then.

There's a lot of things going wrong which are making things a bit of a struggle, and not a lot is keeping my chin up. At least the latest batch of heartache might dig me out of the songwriting rut.

Current listning:
Sunny Day Real Estate - s/t
The XX - XX
Bjork - Debut

i am sure sure sure you are a matador

Sometimes I really do wonder if all the crap is worth it. I guess this weekend will tell me whether it is or not.

Aside from all the emotional bullshit, actually seem to have a half-decent weekend lined up. Tonight, after a brief sleep, I should hopefully be heading up to London for Jose Vanders' EP launch. That is if there's still tickets. Here's hoping.

Saturday I'll be getting a train with Issy up to London, where I will be making like Zane Lowe again and interviewing Johnny Foreigner. The slightly weird upshot of it is that Beatcast are recording it for a forthcoming DVD, so I think I will be on Johnny Foreigner's next album somehow. Bizarre. Maybe it will kick-start a career in television. HA.

Sunday I think I will be chilling out, maybe band practice, maybe go see Blakfish in Kingston. We shall see.

In other news, it's my 14th season at Surbiton Hockey Club, and the first week EVER that I've been available to play, and not selected. Wow.

Current listening:
Sky Larkin - The Golden Spike
Mineral - End Serenading
Death Cab For Cutie - The Photo Album

don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen

So the blog has been neglected for a little while. Apologies to all you avid readers out there. Hoho.

Don't really know what to say. It's been a bizarre few weeks. A bizarre summer, I guess. Last year was weird cos it was the first one without Lindsay but this year, I'm not sure, it seems weird in a different way.

I kindof feel like I've gone off the rails a bit, I don't really seem to have any structure in my life at the moment, and for the first time ever I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads except there's not really any decisions to make. It's a weird state of being in limbo.

As a result, I feel like I'm going a little bit insane, and I've been doing some really stupid things lately. I spat at someone on a hockey pitch at Shagfest, something completely out of character, something which is definitely not part of my regular game and it's something I'm incredibly embarrassed about. But someone did say to me "sometimes good people do bad things," which I guess is one way of looking at it.

Also since about June I had been seeing this amazing girl, I dunno, she just seemed to come along at the right time and although it took a little while, she captured my heart in all the right ways. We're into the same stuff, she has amazing tattoos as well, and beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile and ARGH. She's great. But in a bid to make things a bit... 'proper', I guess, I've basically just acted like an absolute mental and whatever, I think I've pretty much ruined it now. Like I always do. So, well done del. Well fucking done.

I think in conjunction with that, and with Linds' death and my parents being away on holiday at the moment for an extended period of time, it's really hit home that I'm not dealing with loneliness very well right now. It's not even productive loneliness, my music-writing seems to have ground to a halt at the moment and lyrics just aren't coming out like they used to, which is baffling. But yeah. I'm lonely. And I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess this blog is the only place I can really put stuff like that because when I'm out, I just put on this happy face and I don't like people fussing over me, and I guess everyone thinks I'm fine all the time anyway.

Aside from all the doom and gloom, there's been five great things that happened this summer. Aside from the spitting incident, we won Shagfest. I haven't won anything in hockey for fucking years, and this was fucking great. Our side was really strong, and we deserved it. We were first in and last out of the bar as well, so we took every aspect of the tournament seriously.

We also recorded our EP in Scotland, and while it was a stressful and difficult process, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. On top of that, before we headed up, we played the best show ever supporting Dananananaykroyd at New Slang, I had an amazing day with great people, and in general it was fucking ace.

Last week, I bit the bullet and paid for a Reading ticket pretty much to see Radiohead. I enjoyed it a bit too much. And paid for it the next day. But I wish I had spent that set with her. It would've been a great end to the summer if I had shared it with her. Sigh.

Then lastly, I had a new tattoo done on Tuesday. It's a Sigur Ros tattoo and it has a song title as part of it, which means "within me a lunatic sings". People at the hockey club are a bit baffled by it but it seems to have gone down quite well.

I hate that I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this shit, y'know.

"So I’ll wait til I find the remote part of your heart, when no where else will let us choose a comfortable start and even if the breath between us smells of alcohol, we'll call it confusion in the best way possible."

Current listening:
Radiohead - In Rainbows
Arms And Sleepers - Black Paris 86
American Football - s/t
Future Of The Left - Curses
Idlewild - The Remote Part

it's my personal demon that keeps me in line, and keeps me in real time...

I haven't written in this blog for fucking ages. But I felt like I should update in some way.

On Sunday we spread Lindsay's ashes and it's kinda weird that I have not really had anyone to turn to and talk about it. I responded to a very emotional situation, and seeing my parents cry again, by getting ridiculously drunk in the afternoon/evening. It seems to be the only way I know how to cope, and I'm really worried about that fact. I thought I was over my brother's death but when things like these bring it back to the surface it's clear that it will take a lot more work.

And I also think that it's really sad that I can only open up to a fucking blog.

In other news, I'm a bit pissed off with Kingston and just life in general so I'm going to visit Fia for a few days. Not taking my phone, or my laptop, not looking at Facebook, not checking my gmail, can't wait to get away from all the shit.

Hopefully I'll come back feeling like myself and less of a wreck.

Current listening:
Aconite Thrill - Recliner
!!! - Louden Up Now
4 Or 5 Magicians - Wakey Wakey Everyone!
65daysofstatic - The Destruction Of Small Ideas

hi my name's del and i hate snow.

that's pretty much all i have to say.

I think I've lost my inner child or something, and I'm glad that right now I don't have a girlfriend, otherwise I would've been dragged into making a snowman, or having a snowball fight, when all I want to do is curl up in my nice warm bed and watch 24 and American Beauty.

Which, incidentally, is EXACTLY how I spent London's most snow-filled day in 18 years.

Does that make me a loser? I don't think it does.

Over the weekend, Scarlett and I finally finished the lyrics to Waterfalls (The Song Jose Couldn't Have), and it's sounding well fucking good. It even has a massive chorus, which sounds ace. Lots of woah-ohs. This is something I would never do usually but it works. I've always argued that songs with a catchy ba-ba-ba style line are annoying, because if you have a catchy melody, you should use it to say something important rather than waste it on lowest-common-denominator crowd-chant vocals. So we've mixed that together and come out with something ace. When I'm on my laptop later I'll post the lyrics.

I also finished re-writing Everything Is An Education, added a few more lyrics and somehow made it sound even more bitter! It's ace, I've also stolen a line from American Beauty, because it fits really well, and hopefully should be able to take a sample from the movie, from this scene: Click click click. Waterfalls is probably the first time I've tried to write about positivity in the local music community and fighting the good fight. It's very Jetplane Landing.

Aside from that, things are good, I get paid tomorrow and we have a show on Friday:



Do come down if you can.xxx

Current listening:
Colour - Unicorns EP
Mineral - End Serenading
Denali - The Instinct

...say you'll be the burden of my life?

So last night, thankfully all my stress was alleviated by Tubelord, Colour, Calories and Tall Ships absolutely ramming out the Old Blue Last like I have never seen it before. It was ridiculous. It was the best feeling knowing that we only needed about 10 extra people in (after advance sales) to break even, so to have at least 150 in (I haven't done the maths yet) is pretty incredible. There were lots of good industry people there to impress as well, and I'm looking at taking on the London-bound responsibilites of more bands as a direct result of the success of last night.

Bosh.

Another good thing was seeing people I hadn't seen for a long time, particularly Jess and Marsha, two people I always have massive fun with and recently, never really seem to get to hang out with at all. It's kinda weird how sometimes you grow apart a little without really meaning to, but just a tiny bit of effort is all you really need. Note to self for the rest of 2009 - make a little bit more effort.

I watched Yes-Man in the cinema the other day, to kill a bit of time with Sean and Toby before I bopped round Charlie's house for the evening. Aside from it actually being quite good, and Zooey Deschanel being one of the hottest human beings alive, it made me realise that I had a lot in common with the main character in the film. I guess it's good doing as much as you can and keeping yourself busy, and I know for a fact if I didn't then I would end up just being depressed and dwelling on shit things.

Which brings me to the recurring dream, that I haven't had for a while but have started having again recently. It's pretty horrible, basically it involves me finding my brother somewhere and I look at his face and his eyes are all dilated, but he's talking to me and it's just random words coming out, like he's on drugs, and I try and shake him in a panicked attempt to sober him up but it doesn't work and he dies in my arms. Every fucking time. It's pretty much the most horrible thing my brain could ever conjure up. I don't know why it's doing this to me.

That said, it's countered slightly by the recurring dream where I pretend to make up with Gee and Alistair, pick them up from some party, and then leave them stranded in some wilderness.

In other news, there's this song I'm writing and it's actually the catchiest thing I've ever written. This pop song malarky might just work.

Current listening:
Mogwai - Come On Die Young
Nick Drake - Bryter Layter
Iain Macaulay - Daylight

too late to tell you you were wrong, another woe to dwell upon...

...I am an idiot and I ruin everything. I am an idiot and I ruin everything.

Not had the best of days at all. Been bored shitless at work and spent most of the day making arrangements for tomorrow night's Tubelord show at Old Blue Last. Lots of people asking for guestlist, always seems to be the same names, always.

I nearly had an argument with an agent who didn't want to pay the (frankly brilliant) cheaplist price of £2 for the show, claiming he shouldn't have to pay to see his own bands - it's not the norm, apparently. I would've argued with him, that the way I do promotion in London isn't exactly "the norm" - ie, at this level, I actually try and pay the bands - and that for example, someone who works at Sainsburys might want to get their food for free but just pays a bit less than everyone else. Which essentially, was a good analogy.

But, like the weak and feeble shit I am, I caved in. "Course you can have free guestlist. And while you're at it, please take my principles with you, they're no use to me anyway."

If there's one thing in the world I hate, it's being undermined. If there's one thing in the world I hate more than being undermined, it's being utterly powerless to stop it. I will be the first to admit that I am absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of the London music industry, but I'm trying to make a difference. I have no funding, I have no backing, all I have is an idea that bands should be treated fairly. It's not "DIY" in the sense that ALL the money should be given to bands, in fact I'd say it's quite far from the DIY ethic, in that I try and run things in an efficient, business-like manner. But I can't continue to operate in the way I do, if I lose as much money as I lost last year in putting on shows.

Sometimes it's nice being a carp in Kingston but when you swim up the river to London, you realise you're just a minnow. I'm determined to be more like a shark as each day goes by.

Incidentally, I am still rubbish at things and it's taken me about 10 days, a new personal best, to completely ruin something that was amazing. I think. I don't know. Maybe I just worry too much. I hope so, at least.

2009 started brightly but now I'm back to a recurring theme which came about in 2008: "Dear ground, please open up beneath me. Cheers."

Current listening:
Mew - Frengers
Jetplane Landing - Backlash Cop
Johnny Foreigner - Waited Up Til It Was Light