how is it you feel then? i remember you in the top of my room

Obviously definitely not worth even five minutes of someone's time then.

There's a lot of things going wrong which are making things a bit of a struggle, and not a lot is keeping my chin up. At least the latest batch of heartache might dig me out of the songwriting rut.

Current listning:
Sunny Day Real Estate - s/t
The XX - XX
Bjork - Debut

i am sure sure sure you are a matador

Sometimes I really do wonder if all the crap is worth it. I guess this weekend will tell me whether it is or not.

Aside from all the emotional bullshit, actually seem to have a half-decent weekend lined up. Tonight, after a brief sleep, I should hopefully be heading up to London for Jose Vanders' EP launch. That is if there's still tickets. Here's hoping.

Saturday I'll be getting a train with Issy up to London, where I will be making like Zane Lowe again and interviewing Johnny Foreigner. The slightly weird upshot of it is that Beatcast are recording it for a forthcoming DVD, so I think I will be on Johnny Foreigner's next album somehow. Bizarre. Maybe it will kick-start a career in television. HA.

Sunday I think I will be chilling out, maybe band practice, maybe go see Blakfish in Kingston. We shall see.

In other news, it's my 14th season at Surbiton Hockey Club, and the first week EVER that I've been available to play, and not selected. Wow.

Current listening:
Sky Larkin - The Golden Spike
Mineral - End Serenading
Death Cab For Cutie - The Photo Album

don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen

So the blog has been neglected for a little while. Apologies to all you avid readers out there. Hoho.

Don't really know what to say. It's been a bizarre few weeks. A bizarre summer, I guess. Last year was weird cos it was the first one without Lindsay but this year, I'm not sure, it seems weird in a different way.

I kindof feel like I've gone off the rails a bit, I don't really seem to have any structure in my life at the moment, and for the first time ever I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads except there's not really any decisions to make. It's a weird state of being in limbo.

As a result, I feel like I'm going a little bit insane, and I've been doing some really stupid things lately. I spat at someone on a hockey pitch at Shagfest, something completely out of character, something which is definitely not part of my regular game and it's something I'm incredibly embarrassed about. But someone did say to me "sometimes good people do bad things," which I guess is one way of looking at it.

Also since about June I had been seeing this amazing girl, I dunno, she just seemed to come along at the right time and although it took a little while, she captured my heart in all the right ways. We're into the same stuff, she has amazing tattoos as well, and beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile and ARGH. She's great. But in a bid to make things a bit... 'proper', I guess, I've basically just acted like an absolute mental and whatever, I think I've pretty much ruined it now. Like I always do. So, well done del. Well fucking done.

I think in conjunction with that, and with Linds' death and my parents being away on holiday at the moment for an extended period of time, it's really hit home that I'm not dealing with loneliness very well right now. It's not even productive loneliness, my music-writing seems to have ground to a halt at the moment and lyrics just aren't coming out like they used to, which is baffling. But yeah. I'm lonely. And I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess this blog is the only place I can really put stuff like that because when I'm out, I just put on this happy face and I don't like people fussing over me, and I guess everyone thinks I'm fine all the time anyway.

Aside from all the doom and gloom, there's been five great things that happened this summer. Aside from the spitting incident, we won Shagfest. I haven't won anything in hockey for fucking years, and this was fucking great. Our side was really strong, and we deserved it. We were first in and last out of the bar as well, so we took every aspect of the tournament seriously.

We also recorded our EP in Scotland, and while it was a stressful and difficult process, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. On top of that, before we headed up, we played the best show ever supporting Dananananaykroyd at New Slang, I had an amazing day with great people, and in general it was fucking ace.

Last week, I bit the bullet and paid for a Reading ticket pretty much to see Radiohead. I enjoyed it a bit too much. And paid for it the next day. But I wish I had spent that set with her. It would've been a great end to the summer if I had shared it with her. Sigh.

Then lastly, I had a new tattoo done on Tuesday. It's a Sigur Ros tattoo and it has a song title as part of it, which means "within me a lunatic sings". People at the hockey club are a bit baffled by it but it seems to have gone down quite well.

I hate that I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this shit, y'know.

"So I’ll wait til I find the remote part of your heart, when no where else will let us choose a comfortable start and even if the breath between us smells of alcohol, we'll call it confusion in the best way possible."

Current listening:
Radiohead - In Rainbows
Arms And Sleepers - Black Paris 86
American Football - s/t
Future Of The Left - Curses
Idlewild - The Remote Part

it's my personal demon that keeps me in line, and keeps me in real time...

I haven't written in this blog for fucking ages. But I felt like I should update in some way.

On Sunday we spread Lindsay's ashes and it's kinda weird that I have not really had anyone to turn to and talk about it. I responded to a very emotional situation, and seeing my parents cry again, by getting ridiculously drunk in the afternoon/evening. It seems to be the only way I know how to cope, and I'm really worried about that fact. I thought I was over my brother's death but when things like these bring it back to the surface it's clear that it will take a lot more work.

And I also think that it's really sad that I can only open up to a fucking blog.

In other news, I'm a bit pissed off with Kingston and just life in general so I'm going to visit Fia for a few days. Not taking my phone, or my laptop, not looking at Facebook, not checking my gmail, can't wait to get away from all the shit.

Hopefully I'll come back feeling like myself and less of a wreck.

Current listening:
Aconite Thrill - Recliner
!!! - Louden Up Now
4 Or 5 Magicians - Wakey Wakey Everyone!
65daysofstatic - The Destruction Of Small Ideas

hi my name's del and i hate snow.

that's pretty much all i have to say.

I think I've lost my inner child or something, and I'm glad that right now I don't have a girlfriend, otherwise I would've been dragged into making a snowman, or having a snowball fight, when all I want to do is curl up in my nice warm bed and watch 24 and American Beauty.

Which, incidentally, is EXACTLY how I spent London's most snow-filled day in 18 years.

Does that make me a loser? I don't think it does.

Over the weekend, Scarlett and I finally finished the lyrics to Waterfalls (The Song Jose Couldn't Have), and it's sounding well fucking good. It even has a massive chorus, which sounds ace. Lots of woah-ohs. This is something I would never do usually but it works. I've always argued that songs with a catchy ba-ba-ba style line are annoying, because if you have a catchy melody, you should use it to say something important rather than waste it on lowest-common-denominator crowd-chant vocals. So we've mixed that together and come out with something ace. When I'm on my laptop later I'll post the lyrics.

I also finished re-writing Everything Is An Education, added a few more lyrics and somehow made it sound even more bitter! It's ace, I've also stolen a line from American Beauty, because it fits really well, and hopefully should be able to take a sample from the movie, from this scene: Click click click. Waterfalls is probably the first time I've tried to write about positivity in the local music community and fighting the good fight. It's very Jetplane Landing.

Aside from that, things are good, I get paid tomorrow and we have a show on Friday:



Do come down if you can.xxx

Current listening:
Colour - Unicorns EP
Mineral - End Serenading
Denali - The Instinct

...say you'll be the burden of my life?

So last night, thankfully all my stress was alleviated by Tubelord, Colour, Calories and Tall Ships absolutely ramming out the Old Blue Last like I have never seen it before. It was ridiculous. It was the best feeling knowing that we only needed about 10 extra people in (after advance sales) to break even, so to have at least 150 in (I haven't done the maths yet) is pretty incredible. There were lots of good industry people there to impress as well, and I'm looking at taking on the London-bound responsibilites of more bands as a direct result of the success of last night.

Bosh.

Another good thing was seeing people I hadn't seen for a long time, particularly Jess and Marsha, two people I always have massive fun with and recently, never really seem to get to hang out with at all. It's kinda weird how sometimes you grow apart a little without really meaning to, but just a tiny bit of effort is all you really need. Note to self for the rest of 2009 - make a little bit more effort.

I watched Yes-Man in the cinema the other day, to kill a bit of time with Sean and Toby before I bopped round Charlie's house for the evening. Aside from it actually being quite good, and Zooey Deschanel being one of the hottest human beings alive, it made me realise that I had a lot in common with the main character in the film. I guess it's good doing as much as you can and keeping yourself busy, and I know for a fact if I didn't then I would end up just being depressed and dwelling on shit things.

Which brings me to the recurring dream, that I haven't had for a while but have started having again recently. It's pretty horrible, basically it involves me finding my brother somewhere and I look at his face and his eyes are all dilated, but he's talking to me and it's just random words coming out, like he's on drugs, and I try and shake him in a panicked attempt to sober him up but it doesn't work and he dies in my arms. Every fucking time. It's pretty much the most horrible thing my brain could ever conjure up. I don't know why it's doing this to me.

That said, it's countered slightly by the recurring dream where I pretend to make up with Gee and Alistair, pick them up from some party, and then leave them stranded in some wilderness.

In other news, there's this song I'm writing and it's actually the catchiest thing I've ever written. This pop song malarky might just work.

Current listening:
Mogwai - Come On Die Young
Nick Drake - Bryter Layter
Iain Macaulay - Daylight

too late to tell you you were wrong, another woe to dwell upon...

...I am an idiot and I ruin everything. I am an idiot and I ruin everything.

Not had the best of days at all. Been bored shitless at work and spent most of the day making arrangements for tomorrow night's Tubelord show at Old Blue Last. Lots of people asking for guestlist, always seems to be the same names, always.

I nearly had an argument with an agent who didn't want to pay the (frankly brilliant) cheaplist price of £2 for the show, claiming he shouldn't have to pay to see his own bands - it's not the norm, apparently. I would've argued with him, that the way I do promotion in London isn't exactly "the norm" - ie, at this level, I actually try and pay the bands - and that for example, someone who works at Sainsburys might want to get their food for free but just pays a bit less than everyone else. Which essentially, was a good analogy.

But, like the weak and feeble shit I am, I caved in. "Course you can have free guestlist. And while you're at it, please take my principles with you, they're no use to me anyway."

If there's one thing in the world I hate, it's being undermined. If there's one thing in the world I hate more than being undermined, it's being utterly powerless to stop it. I will be the first to admit that I am absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of the London music industry, but I'm trying to make a difference. I have no funding, I have no backing, all I have is an idea that bands should be treated fairly. It's not "DIY" in the sense that ALL the money should be given to bands, in fact I'd say it's quite far from the DIY ethic, in that I try and run things in an efficient, business-like manner. But I can't continue to operate in the way I do, if I lose as much money as I lost last year in putting on shows.

Sometimes it's nice being a carp in Kingston but when you swim up the river to London, you realise you're just a minnow. I'm determined to be more like a shark as each day goes by.

Incidentally, I am still rubbish at things and it's taken me about 10 days, a new personal best, to completely ruin something that was amazing. I think. I don't know. Maybe I just worry too much. I hope so, at least.

2009 started brightly but now I'm back to a recurring theme which came about in 2008: "Dear ground, please open up beneath me. Cheers."

Current listening:
Mew - Frengers
Jetplane Landing - Backlash Cop
Johnny Foreigner - Waited Up Til It Was Light

it's been a difficult year so far, i've had enough of being torn apart.

It's been a while since I did this so I figured that while bored at home in that sortof between-Xmas-and-New-Year purgatory, I'd add to it. It's ridiculous to think that in 2 days time it'll be 2009, this year seems to have gone pretty quickly. I can't help but feel that this has been the biggest emoational rollercoaster of a year that I've ever experienced. I also realise that at times I may have acted like a complete penis but there have been many other occasions that have made up for those actions. I like to think that this year, I have been around for my friends a lot more than in the past, and at the very least just been a bit more reliable and focused.

I also feel like I've achieved something this year, it's not massive but I haven't achieved anything for a while so yeah - passing my driving test has been a pretty good thing. I've also been ridiculously happy with the outcome of my band and finally feel like I'm writing the songs I've been capable of writing - and knowing there's a whole lot more still to come. Thanks to a few people (lol) for showing me anger, despair, betrayal and a few other less-than-favourable human traits, it's made my creative side go mental. Bish bash bosh.

Let me tell you about our recent gigs. They have been pretty special. The first gig back (first mistakes.in.animation gig for 6 months, pretty much) was our appearance at New Slang. On my birthday. With a bassist who'd only rehearsed with us about four times. We debuted four new songs, and had nigh-on re-written an old one. It was stressful, but when we got on that stage, we clicked like we never have before, as a band. It felt really fucking good. It felt electric. From the very first riff in Bite It to the cathartic ending of The Punchline, everything went so well that when we got off-stage, I was exhausted, exhilarated, beaming from ear to ear. We were a fucking band.

The rest of the night is a drunken blur, this is what happens when the venue gives you five bottles of champagne, two crates of beer, and all your friends are around. We played to 800 people, I knew this before we went on-stage but I didn't tell the others in the band because I didn't want to add any more pressure. Hell, we'd put enough pressure on ourselves before the show and we didn't need any more than this. I guess I work a bit better under pressure though, I always have done, and that night we were invincible.

The next gig, a couple of days later, I covered a few Get Cape songs at the Get Cape Xmas party. It was basically a bit lol. But I got to see a few faces I hadn't seen for a long time, and it was a lot of fun. It also pretty much paid for my Xmas shopping, which was good.

Christmas came and went, and I actually really enjoyed it despite the very notable absence. My parents handled things very well, and we had Christmas dinner with family friends so it was good to have other people around. We played a game of Kings and my mum was brilliantly racist, it was hilarious.

After Christmas, we had our This Is Not Revolution Rock End Of Year Party for the 3rd year running. This, in tradition, has consisted of Tubelord and Colour, plus two other bands invited along for the ride. This year it would've been Blakfish and Johnny Foreigner, except JoFo had to pull out at the last, so we filled in instead.

The show for us was good, musically I thought we were pretty spot-on but neither Scar nor I could hear our vocals so it was difficult. However, we're not going to be playing New Slang every week so it's something we're going to have to get used to. Although it's difficult with so much going on, if we rehearse well, the songs will become second-nature and we will be able to deal with difficult circumstances a bit easier. I had a bit of a 'rock-star tantrum' at the end of our set because a string broke, I think it confused everyone, not least myself. I realised that we had actually played to quite a large crowd though, and later it transpired that we had managed to cram 189 people into the Fighting Cocks (which is capacity 90). Lolocaust!

There are some other things that made the night really fucking special too and I won't go into them on here but needless to say it has left me a very happy boy for the last few days.

We have another show tomorrow night, not only playing mistakes.in.animation songs but also doing a second set covering Biffy Clyro. This is going to be a bit odd though because I'm pretty sure Andy hasn't learnt half the songs but there you go. I think me and Dave could almost get away with doing it as a two-piece though... We shall see! Scar has learnt the songs pretty well too, she is saving me by doing lots of vocal harmonies and singing the high bits that I can't do. Should be good fun if nothing else, and we're getting paid in booze, pretty much.

Plans for 2009:
- Sort my back injury out
- Record and release an EP. Maybe an album at the end of next year.
- Release a record by my band on my own label.
- Release a record by another band on my own label.
- Tour. Tour. Tour.
- Beat the Estonian national side at hockey.
- Get the girl, save the world.
- Get down to 75kg...

Final thought for this blog, if you're going to be in a band with "del off the internet", probably don't write a fairly candid blog about it that he can google fairly easily. Oh, Scar...

Current listening:
Jose Vanders - Red Black Blue & The Tortoise
Sigur Ros - ( )
National Forest - s/t
Mogwai - Young Team

she said it's written in the stars, but i don't look at the stars any more...

...i just want someone to die for.

Probably one of my favourite lyrics ever ever ever. Sortof describes how I'm feeling about stuff at the moment. I kindof well like a girl but I have completely forgotten how to go about courting, that's pretty bad isn't it? I don't really know how to do things in the conventional sense at all. I'm not even sure I have the balls to ask her to do something with me, if we know each other well enough to facilitate me asking that. Is that how things are done? Fuck knows. All I know is I have a +1 for Futureheads/Johnny Foreigner this weekend and I'll be damned if I'm not using it on someone fun. I'm just scared of fucking up. OH WELL.

I did a blog yesterday on the mistakes.in.animation myspace which has lots of stuff in it, some stuff I've said in here but there's some song lyrics and stuff in it, dunno if anyone who reads this wants to take a look but here you go. Actually getting properly excited about the way things are panning out, if we end up playing New Slang on the 18th, looks like Martin will be staying the weekend prior to that and joining us for the Surbiton HC Cocktail Party. I want Dave to come too, with a Stella box on his head. But three days of solid practicing = just what we need. Perfect timing as well - although Scarlett's in New York, it means we can tighten everything up. Scarlett's a good enough musician in her own right and knows the songs well enough to be able to play along with us quite happily (we'll just do plenty of vocal work before the show itself as my vocals are well poor).

Finally, the Blakfish fundraiser went really well, we raised about £200 for them which will go towards gear they really need. It was a tiring and stressful day / weekend in general, but that was worth it. Jose Vanders in particular was amazing, she was completely out of place on the bill but she blew quite a few people away with her songs and general stage demeanour. Can't wait to have her play for me again.

Current listening:
Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head
Blakfish - See You In Another City
The Boxer Rebellion - Exits

in the right light you can see the dust as it falls through the air...

So, it's coming around to my favourite time of the year. Ok, that might be somewhat biased in that, the 18th December is my birthday, the 25th is Xmas, and the 1st January are all within close proximity with each other, but I guess on a personal level there's a little more to it than that.

I'm at uni right now, trying to sort out the endless saga that is my 2nd year enrolment, and thus the release of the second instalment of my student loan. Recently I've been driving up to Ealing instead of taking the K3/65 bus routes (and back again) - mainly because it saves time but also because I can choose which route to go and what music to listen to loudly - today was Rolo Tomassi's new album (which, while confusing, is brilliant). I left at about 3pm, which meant that the sun was just on the cusp of setting and the autumn leaves looked even more orange than usual. I love it when the weather's like this, it makes me feel all warm inside in a slightly gay way. Whatever.

I decided that my route, today, would be A3 up to Roehampton, then through Richmond Park to Richmond and then onto Ealing. Easy. Noone told me, however, that the Robin Hood Roundabout entrance to Richmond Park had been closed for about 3 years. Good skills, Noble. So this had pretty much ruined the prospect of driving through one of London's most beautiful parks in great weather, and getting that general 'good feeling' as a result.

Instead, I ended up driving through Sheen, and being surrounded by impoverished foreigners. Great. So yeah that saddened me a little (the lack of Richmond park, not the foreigners, they ALWAYS sadden me), but it also made me think that for the last couple of years, I've always had someone at this time of the year that I can totally share that whole romantic vibe with. I think I'm in agreement with Dartz when I say I prefer cold holidays 'cos I don't like the heat. I like the idea of travelling to Eastern Europe and having to wear 80 layers to keep warm and having rosy cheeks but also having someone special with you to share it all with.

This year, not only am I more alone than ever but I'm DREADING spending Xmas with my parents. It's going to be pretty hard on us all, I think, but worse for my parents. In the aftermath of Lindsay's passing, my way of dealing with it was just to try and move on, and plunge myself into other projects and try and ignore what had happened. I think I still haven't really taken it all in, but I do miss him terribly. My mum's way of dealing with things was pretty much crying for a month, and my dad's was to have a heart attack - clearly a winner family. I think we're having family friends over for Xmas dinner, but it's still not really going to fill the hole that missing a brother has left.

In other news, Martin (Keep, of former Clique Application, Lowerway and generally being fat fame) has joined my band to play bass. Someone mentioned, that as he's going out with Scarlett, there might be some kind of Fleetwood Mac-esque problem but that didn't even cross my mind, we're all good mates so hopefully it should work. We had our first practice all together last Saturday, and got a lot done. I finally feel like I have a real band, and I finally feel like we're moving in a direction I want to be travelling. I wrote some lyrics last night - about what, I'm not entirely sure - but it appears to be about staying true to yourself and fighting for what you believe in. How Jetplane.

I'm still injured and taking some fairly hefty drugs to cure the sciatica in my left leg, which means I sometimes get hallucinations when I'm driving. Maybe I should stop driving so much. I think I'm off home now, I parked in a space that said "Stop & Shop - 30 minutes only, no return within 2 hours". I hope I don't have a parking ticket.

Current listening:
Rolo Tomassi - Hysterics
Interpol - Our Love To Admire
Enemies - Alpha Waves EP